I can still vividly remember being 12, I can remember being in high school and I can remember all of my struggles to go with it. I'm sure the hormones circulating my body were the main cause but I found an unhealthy way to deal with the emotions that I was feeling and it has affected me ever since. I can still remember inflicting damage on myself and the gratification I got from it, but how my life has changed since then! I have learnt so much, gained so much experience and found new ways to cope. Although there are probably things I would have done differently if I could go back, such as accept the professional help I was offered or to go to the doctors to be diagnosed, however I made my own path and journey and it has gotten me to where I am today and to be the person I am (Which if I may say so myself, I am very proud to be). Now, don't get me wrong I am still dealing with the effects of self harming in terms of the mental issues, I still randomly get thoughts to mutilate myself (unfortunately, very graphic thoughts) amongst other unhealthy, automatic thoughts, but I have taught myself how to deal with these thoughts when they come. Every once in a blue moon they will get to me and it breaks my heart that I have these thoughts about myself, but it is a matter of taking back control of my mind and accepting that I have these thoughts and realising they just aren't really mine.

So, I've kind of started rambling on a bit there. The aim of this post is to be the things I've learned on my journey, so lets start with the biggest thing I've found. 

1. Be the best you that you can possibly be.

This is the lesson I've most recently learned and have been living by it for about a year now. This was mainly inspired by a beautiful human I met at work named Lydia. She is constantly spreading love and always building up peoples confidence and I really wanted to take a leaf out of her book, she is always her best self and it's something we need to all aspire to do. If you don't work on being your best self, then I hate to break it to you, happiness will be hard to find. I have felt so at peace with myself this past year because I have changed to have that mentality. One of my main triggers for my negative and self destructive thoughts is doing or saying something wrong or that could hurt others. Most of the time I get them even when it's the most insignificant thing and probably something nobody else has taken note of, so by trying to constantly be my best self I can try to reassure myself that I maybe I may have slightly slipped up in that instance but you're still working hard to be a good person. People are always going to make mistakes, but as long as I am actively trying to be the best me then there is nothing to feel bad about.

I just personally think it is a time where the world needs more positivity and the only people who can bring that into the world is you. So smile at people when you pass them, build people up and just work on bringing out the best in yourself. If you don't, you're only letting yourself down.

2. You don't control your automatic thoughts, what you do control is the thoughts after them.

Now, I saw something along these lines on the internet in reference to stereotyping. It basically said that everyone has an immediate reaction to something or someone. This can quite frequently be negative, however you have no control of this as it is what you have either been conditioned to think or its more of an animalistic instinct. What you do control is the thought you have after this, you can either choose to continue with that negative thought and let it build up inside you or you can stop, think and reassess. This has changed my thought process quite a lot since I have read it, sometimes I would feel bad because I would initially think a certain way about someone but by stopping and actually thinking about it I would realise the negativity was usually unjust, specifically when it comes to jealousy. A prime example being, my best friend is such an amazing, hard working person and I love her to death. She absolutely excels at her job and she is an absolute inspiration, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sometimes jealous of how well she does. Now, when I get these negative, jealous moments I stop and think 'Why am I getting jealous? This person works their arse off and are absolutely amazing. I am so so proud of them and everything they achieve, and I am truly blessed to have this person as my best friend!'. Once I think it through, I am just beaming with pride for her and love her all the more and the negativity about it has vanished. We just need to all take time to realise that the negative thoughts, especially when we are comparing ourselves, are usually unjust because chances are you are excelling in so many other areas.

Another area where this has had a positive impact on me is when I do get my uncontrollable suicidal thoughts/self mutilation thoughts. I take the time to accept that I have these thoughts sometimes, however I need to stop and realise this isn't what I want or want to be thinking about myself. When I take this time they go away and are almost forgotten about, they lose their power over me. Now, I am by no means saying this is easy or works for everybody. I know how hard it is to go through depression and it is near impossible to throw these thoughts aside, but if you are going through that or do go through it in the future, just remember that you are an amazing human being and you have so much strength and potential even if it may be impossible to see. 

 3. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

This is the one I probably struggle with the most, still. I don't know what it is but I have always had a problem with asking for help.. Even at school if I didn't understand something I would never put my hand up, I would just take a little bit longer and figure it out myself when realistically it would of saved a lot of time and struggle to just ask. It has only been in the last couple years where I have opened up properly about my problems, and my boyfriend is generally the only person I am currently comfortable to turn to when I do need help because the thoughts I have get to me or because I have a massive urge to hurt myself. I generally don't mind talking about what I go through, but when it is happening in that moment and I need someone right there and then that's where my problem lies. I am just so grateful I finally have someone I can turn to and actually open up to, although I still have to build myself up for about 10 minutes or more before I say something! But, it's all about those baby steps isn't it. It also took me a long time to be able to talk about the suicidal thoughts to people as well, I opened up to my partner first and more and more recently I have opened up and spoke to my friends about it too - which for me is massive.

Not only shouldn't you be afraid to ask for help, you shouldn't be afraid to accept it either. I may have mentioned this in my previous mental health post, it was so long ago I can't remember, but when I was in high school I was offered a session of counselling once a week but I turned it down. I look back and I still don't know why I did that! I guess I was just being too proud or something like that, but if you are offered help take it. By not accepting help, you are really just loosing an opportunity, an opportunity to better yourself, to learn something new and to potentially save yourself some time! We just need to remember, there is no shame in having a little bit of help.

4. Your mind works differently than others.
Very often we will get upset because we don't feel appreciated because others might not show love or appreciation in the way that we do. We need to appreciate that others might not process things or think in the same way as we do, they may feel the same things but just project them in different ways. Sometimes it can be hard to realise this, you can think that you do something constantly for someone or act in a certain way, because that's how you show love, then feel like you don't get it in return, but this may not be the case. The same works in other situations, the way you say something to somebody may be interpreted in a variety of ways. Something innocent may come across as offensive or negative when it was never intended to be that way, we just need to remain mindful of the words we say and how they may impact others - as a very wise friend of mine once said, you can't take back words once they have been said so make sure you choose them wisely.

5. Love what you do.
This relates to everything, not just work (which it sounds like it's referring to). It is so important to find your passion in life, whether it be gaming, art, coding, reading, writing, anything! Find what it is you love and make time for it. For me it is art, when I am painting I really lose myself, it is the only time the world goes quiet (slightly stolen from the Notebook, however it is so true). It is so important that you find something in life that gives you inner peace, even if it is just momentarily. Secondly, it is important that you find a love of all things you do, whether this be in work or at home. If you don't love what it is you do, can you ever truly be happy? Sometimes you need to look hard to find elements of things you love in your day to day life, but it is so important that you take the time to appreciate them. When you start to overlook the wonderful, small things you can quickly forget that spark in life. For Christmas I got a Happiness Planner (You can buy them here), it has to be one of the most amazing gifts I have ever received. It allows you to reflect on each day. It focuses on the positives and pushes you to create goals and to even write your hopes for the next day. It is a great way to focus your mind on those small, good things in life which is really important due to how easily they are forgotten. It has been such a great in help in getting me to focus on the positive things.

So, that's all I've got for now! Sometimes it's hard to believe that I am the same person as I was 10 years ago. I look back and reflect and it feels like I have lived many different lives to get to the one I'm in now. I am so glad to have finally reached one of the highest points in my life where I am so contented, even though it hasn't been easy at all getting here. I'm so excited to see where the next 10 years may take me and other big milestones I'm going to reach (I'm working on getting to 10 years since I last self harmed - almost half way there!). So until next time, whenever I next decide to write a blog post, I wish you all the best.