Bryony Kirkham: 2015

Having some low days recently has given me the inspiration and push to write another blog post again. Recently my anxiety has been reaching new levels which I've never really experienced before,it's brought some of my depression out and constant horrible thoughts which I just wish would go away. Recently I've been finding it really difficult to deal with however, as always, I'm lucky to have all the support I do without them even knowing they're helping me (or even knowing how I'm feeling) and to have lots of things to try and keep me busy and to not think about everything I'm feeling. Even though it's absolutely horrible to feel like this I wish I could go through it a million and one times so that nobody else would have to. I know I can deal with it, I've spent the last 8 or so years learning how to manage and cope with it, I can fight it back but there are so many that can't. So many who lose the fight to their demons and I hate that it happens. I wish I could have shared the burden with those people.

On another note, going through all this again has got me thinking, people have a habit of judging those who post when they feel like this over facebook or other social media. People make out as though this is wrong to do, if you do this you must be attention seeking and so how you're feeling is no longer of importance. I do not agree with this. Personally, I find it extremely difficult to tell others when I'm feeling this way. It's beyond difficult to tell the people you love most that you're getting thoughts about hurting yourself/ending your life. It's difficult to tell others that you're feeling so low when you know yourself you have no reason to, you don't want to make them feel like they're the reason for all the pain. Posting behind a screen to nobody in particular is a much easier way to do it, that way you're not burdening anybody but is a way to get some help/support. Messaging, calling or even talking to somebody directly can be such a daunting thought. If you come across somebodies status, tweet or whatever that suggests they're having a rough time and are clearly in need of some help just stop and think for a minute. They probably do want some attention, they want someone to show that they actually care. Next time you see somebody reaching out for help message them privately, let them know they're not alone. It doesn't matter whether you know them well or simply just know of them, it could make the world of a difference. Not everybody is lucky enough to have someone to talk to, just take the time to consider all of these possibilities first.

Mental health issues are still considered such a taboo subject and we all need to work on changing this. We need to start by changing our views of mental health problems and stop thinking they should be something we keep to ourselves, it's time we start being open about them. More people are suffering than you think, many people think they're alone because it's not something we're open about as a society. Fact is, you're not alone. Lets all do our best to make a difference.

I've previously spoken about my troubles with self harming and depression in my blog, you can read about it here, and I'm still always happy to take anonymous emails, messages etc. and be someone who's there to listen. My email again is bryony.kirkham@live.com - if you need someone to talk to do not hesitate to email me. If you read my previous blog post (the one linked) there are also several helplines you can contact on there as well if you still need some help or want somebody else to talk about.

This is something very different to what I usually post, and will probably be the most personal thing I have ever posted online. Last week was Mental Health Awareness week, something I think is very important and I personally want to one day be able to set up a charity or organisation to be able to raise awareness for mental health issues. I have never posted or told anyone in depth my full experience with my personal problems, however I want to post it now so that if there is anybody out there who feels alone going through the same sort of thing they can know they are not alone and if they ever need somebody to talk to or want some advice or a pep talk I am available and happy to answer any emails (email can be found in the contact me tab). So here is my story,

Since I was around 12 I've experienced depression. Sometimes it will last weeks other times months on end and even longer, it's a horrible thing to fall into and is so difficult to get out of. I was always so sick of people saying 'why are you even sad, there's nothing to be sad about' or 'there are people worse off than you so stop moaning' and other things on those lines, comments like these from friends had no help at all and just made me feel even guiltier about feeling the way I did when I knew I had no reason to. Being at that age I chose to confide in friends and tried my best to hide it from my parents, I didn't want them to know how down I felt all the time, mainly because I didn't want to hurt them or for them to think it was because of them. I would spend so many nights just crying and I would just feel so numb and emotionally worn out from every day, it's just so draining. From this I ended up self harming. For me it was the perfect release. Now I DO NOT advise anybody to take up this method as a way to get better and out of depression, it is not worth it trust me. When it came to it I used a razor or scissors, I'd never go very deep I just wanted to be able to feel the pain and for it to scab over for a while so I'd have something to focus on rather than how I was feeling. I'd do it on my arms or around my knicker line/legs, once I did it I knew I had to always keep it hidden so my parents would never notice and find out so I'd just constantly focus on that all the time which made me forget about everything else. I'd always keep a tissue over it when I did it on my hips/panty line so I wouldn't get any blood or anything on my underwear which may have caused suspicion. Afterwards I'd always feel better because it was something different to focus on. It was just a perfect release from everything.

I was open about the fact I did it in school if anybody asked, I wasn't ashamed. I wanted to be open about it so if anybody felt similar or wanted to ask questions I could be of help. But eventually my parents found out, twice in fact. It was the most horrible experience ever. I just remember the school calling in my mum and seeing her crying and it genuinely broke my heart. That was exactly what I didn't want to happen, I didn't want my mum to know any of that because I didn't want it to hurt her. Following her finding out she asked questions but I was very hesitant to answer and kept as much quiet as possible, I remember afterwards I always had either my mum or dad popping into my room all the time for whatever reason but I knew they were coming in to just keep an eye on me really. My door never seemed to be shut any more, and I don't recall this being so much my choice either. However, they eased off after a while and it was never mentioned again, but that didn't mean it had stopped.

- on a side note, I did end up buying a book called Red Tears (By Joanna Kenrick). It was a fiction book about a girl who self harmed, it was a really good read and would advise it, my mum read it after me and she found it to be a great insight to what was going on with me.

I started all of that when I was 12, however I never completely stopped until I was 18 I just kept quiet and didn't tell anybody about it. Boyfriends I had generally knew because I'd tell them, I like to be honest about everything in relationships, but they'd always refer to it like 'don't do anything stupid' etc. I hated that. I hate when people referred to it as doing something stupid. I get that you shouldn't do it and it's a really sad thing to want to technically mutilate yourself but that wasn't supportive and again just made me feel as though I was the stupid one for it. It's only recently I've met someone who doesn't refer to it in a judgemental way and I am so grateful for that. The main reason I ended up stopping was because I had been trying to avoid doing it for a couple years (however failing) but once I turned 18 I was legally allowed to get a tattoo, which I did. I got a tattoo with flowers, a deathly hallows symbol, a broken mirror and a quote 'They'll shout from demons if they have to' (from suckerpunch) on my hip. I got it on my left hip purely for the reason that I used to self harm primarily on that side, I couldn't cut myself there if I had artwork there, I wasn't going to ruin it! I remember a few weeks before I had my tattoo I cut myself in that very area and I was shitting myself in case the tattoo artist would see it or if they wouldn't be able to do the tattoo because of it, but luckily it had completely healed way before the appointment. The tattoo itself was also very important to me, the broken mirror and flowers resembled that there is always beauty in the broken, you just have to look for it. I always felt so broken but I always tried to look for the best in each situation. The quote from Suckerpunch was a snippet of the full quote that I loved:

You can deny angels exist, Convince ourselves they can't be real. But they show up anyway, at strange places and at strange times. They can speak through any character we can imagine. They'll shout through demons if they have to. Daring us, challenging us to fight.

I loved that quote, I'm a firm believer that all the terrible situations that are thrown at us are there to make us stronger and better people, we just have to learn from them. Every time I look at my tattoo it makes me think of the journey I have come on and that I'm the person I am because of it.

Although it has been 3 years since I last self harmed it doesn't mean it has gone away. Every so often I can feel myself getting on a downer and I'll just not be able to do anything about it. From time to time I'll have random suicidal thoughts pop into my head or I'll just imagine myself committing suicide or something, these occur even when I'm happy. Now I'm not the sort of person who actively wants to kill myself or anything like that, it's just so strange when it pops into the back of my head. It's just like a flash, it'll be for a second. Sometimes it does really upset me though, because it's horrible that I get those thoughts for no reason. I don't know what I've done to deserve it! For the most part though I just ignore it, they go as quickly as they come so why should it phase me. When I get angry at myself or upset I still feel such strong urges to self harm, it's something I don't think will ever go away but I feel so blessed that I know how to handle myself now when I feel myself falling into depression or if I get these urges and what have you. I'm so lucky that I am able to take control as I know a lot of people don't have that and don't know how to deal with it all.

Looking back over the past 9 years I do wish I could have made some different decisions, I was offered counselling in school but refused it. I should have jumped at the opportunity, it could have made the journey so much easier. My advice would be to get counselling if you are going through this sort of thing, it is nothing to be ashamed of. I spoke to a lot of people who had/were self harming through school and there was always support to stop from one another even if you had only spoke to them on MSN a couple of times (God that makes me feel so old haha), so if you are going through this you are not alone. There are plenty of people out there going through the same thing or who have been through it.

I currently get anxiety out of nowhere and still get depressed every so often but I like to deal with it myself, that's just the way I am, but I would advise anybody else to seek help or to at least confide in somebody. I am absolutely blessed that my boyfriend is so amazing when I go through spells of extreme anxiety or start to get depressed etc., he just knows how to deal with me and is so supportive. I am ridiculously grateful for this every day. However, I still go through spells where I just feel as though I'm just a broken, messed up person but you just have to take everything a day at a time!

I just want to raise awareness about this issue and to offer help to anyone who needs it. You are not alone, there will always be people who want to help and have been through the same thing. Never be afraid to seek help.

A few helplines that may be of use:

Samaritans - Call on 08457 90 90 90 or if you don't want to talk via the phone you can email them at jo@samaritans.org (I'm so glad they have an email service, I always wanted to be able to talk with someone when I was going through all of that but did not want to use a phone service)

PAPYRUS - Call on 0800 068 41 41. They are a voluntary group supporting teenagers and young adults who feel suicidal

Self Injury Support (Formerly Bristol Crisis Service for Women) - Call 0808 800 8088 (Tues & Weds 7-10 pm, Thurs 3-6 pm). This service is for women.

TESS (associated with Self Injury Support) - Text and Email Support Service for women under 24, text on 0780 047 2908 (Sun, Mon, Tues, Thurs & Fri, 7pm-9pm) or click here to email them.

I am also happy to accept emails if it means you have somebody to talk to and I will reply ASAP. My email can be found in the 'contact me' section above.

It's almost the time of the year when it's warming up, the sun starts to shine and the swimsuits start to make an appearance. AKA Summer. Summer has to be my favourite season of the year, I love the long days, the warm weather and most of all the fashion. Now, even though it gets hot in the UK it is still frowned upon to prance around in your bikini if there is no sand or large body of water around (Depressing, I know), so for me heavily investing in bikini's and swimwear isn't so wise when I don't get to wear it unless I'm soaking up the sun abroad somewhere. Instead I'm left to fantasise about being on holiday and all the bikini's I'd love to be wearing. Boohoo.

All isn't bad though, I've managed to come up with a great list of faaabulous items of swimwear and where to buy them! I hope you enjoy.

1. Harley Quinn Thong Bikini

Can be Purchased on Etsy for £26.70/$40

2. Sailor Scout Bikini

Mars Anime Sailor Moon Underwear Bra & Panty Set Cosplay Costume Bikini Swimwear

Can be found on various sites like amazon and ebay, prices vary.

3. Iron Man Bikini

Can be found on Etsy for £58.27/$89.60

4. Pokemon Badge Bikini

Can be found on Living Dead

5. Batman Swimsuit (inc. Detachable Cape)

Available at Black Milk for £56.70/$86.06

6. Pikachu Bikini

Can be purchased from Hot Topic for $18.38

Disclaimer - I own no rights to any of the images or products. All photographs are from the sellers site.

I actually hadn't heard of this brand before being gifted the makeup for Christmas. Yes Christmas. Clearly this review has been a looong time coming! So this brand was extremely new to me and I had no idea what to expect.

After some further research I found it to be a very budget brand, in terms of cost. I guess that means my sister was a cheap skate when buying gifts! I joke, she also give me several other amazing presents and told me that they were in the buy 3 for 2 range (or some offer anyway) so figured I could give them a go. The products can be purchased in stores such as Superdrug. They offer a range of products from lipsticks to eye pallets which aesthetically all look good, however you never know if the quality is going to be there when buying cheap make up.

Lipsticks

First up are the lipsticks I was given! 2 of these were matte lipsticks (the ones in the white tubes) and the other just a general one. I was extremely happy with the presentation of the products, the tubes were nice and the best part was the colour reference parts at the bottom unscrewed and were usable mini tubs containing the products. I thought this was very effective as it meant the colour you see at the end of the tube is the colour of lipstick you will be getting inside, stickers can usually be significantly different from the actual lipstick colour.

Lipsticks with the bottoms unscrewed. Something a little different that I really liked.

The colours of the lipsticks themselves looked amazing, I especially loved the look of the dark burgundy colour. As you can expect I was really excited to give them a go, unfortunately I found that they weren't as pigmented as I hoped. The matte lipsticks were especially difficult to get any decent colour coverage! It felt as though they had been frozen or something. The burgundy colour ended up looking very similar to the red and the pink also being much lighter due to the difficulty of getting good coverage. I was extremely disappointed by the quality, but I guess you can't hope for much more for a very low cost lipstick (charged at around £1 each).

Swatches of the lipsticks, from left to right - Red, Pink, Burgundy.

Eyebrow Pencil

The brush at the end of the brow pencil.

The lipsticks were most definitely a flop and I won't be buying them any time soon, the brow pencil on the other hand was a completely different story. Again this product is being sold for a pound in Superdrug and can be purchased in 3 different colours - Black, Brunette & Blonde. As you can see from the photo I had the brunette. The pencil felt more creamy when I put it on which I actually really liked, it almost worked as a wax to hold my eyebrows in place and also as the colour. It was highly pigmented and wasn't a struggle to get an even coverage, my only downside was that it was a little darker than what I was used to, however I got used to this over time. The brush at the end of the pencil was also an added bonus, it's still one of my favourite eyebrow brushes to date! I would definitely advise buying this product and giving it a go, especially considering it doesn't cost much at all. Although I am yet to try the blonde and black pencil I hope they are just as pigmented and creamy as this one!

Here I am, finally half way through my final year so what better time than to post about my University experience and what I would change if I could go back and do it again.

The biggest thing I've learnt at Uni is that, quite frankly, I don't think it is for me! However, I still think coming to uni was the best decision I have ever made. It sounds a bit contradictive (I don't even know if this is a real word, but it fits so lets roll with it) I know!

I'll give you a bit of background to my 'Uni Experience'. I go to the University of Leeds, it is a fabulous institution, I've been rather impressed with it over the years and I study Psychology (I question why I'm doing this every day). Originally I'm from between Manchester and Liverpool, so it was the perfect distance away, far enough to not run into anybody from home but close enough that I can easily drive back if needs be. So yeah, quick little bit of background, now for the advice:

1. Halls

Make sure you live in halls for the first year. If, like me, you think you don't want to be dealing with people everyday and would rather be living in a studio/flat on your own it is not wise. Fortunately, I was placed in halls with a flat between 6 of us, if I hadn't have been in this flat I wouldn't have made any friends in the first year of uni and most definitely wouldn't have had anyone to live with in second year! It's great to have a group of people you're forced to meet to get you out of your shell, as daunting as it can seem!

2. Course Choice

I chose to do Psychology as I figured it seemed employable, interesting and mainly because I hadn't done it before. Probably a stupid choice, over the course of 3 years there have been roughly 3 or 4 modules that I have been really passionate about, but as for the rest I couldn't have cared less. I really wish I had that passion for all my modules, and the degree as a whole but I don't! So my advice here is choose a degree you're passionate about/will enjoy. This mainly applies to those who have no idea what they want to do in life (I'm still stuck and clueless!), I've always loved art, photography and design so I really wish I did a degree following that path, the only reason I didn't was because I thought a degree in those subjects was pointless and probably wasn't valued as much as a BSc.. How very close minded of me, the degree I'm using now potentially won't come in much use but had I chose an art based subject I potentially would have enjoyed it a lot more! So make sure you do something you love. That being said, psychology is a great degree just a lot of it isn't to my taste.

3. Get a job!!

Seriously, get a job. Whether it be in gaining relevant experience (which, apparently, is a reaally important thing to do to get a job in most fields), or a simple bar/restaurant job I would definitely advise it. Not only does it allow you to get extra cash whilst at uni it is such a great place to make new friends and to get chatting to new people! I was, and am, terrible at making friends at uni but at works I just clicked with a lot of people. I worked as a Shot Girl* on weekends, and I honestly loved it. Through that job I found some of my best friends and my boyfriend, then I moved onto another bar job where again I've met the majority of my friends in Leeds! Working is the thing I've loved most about uni, met so many amazing people. As mentioned earlier, it's also a great time to gain experience in areas that interest you, although the experienced I've gained hasn't been relevant to psyc I have gained experience in areas such as modelling which has been a fantastic experience! Get out there and see what you can do.

*I worked for Smoking Drinks as a shot girl, they have work in a large array of regions. If you fancy a job with them, find them on facebook or at smokingdrinks.com and apply!

4. Get Involved

I think my biggest regret at uni is not getting more involved with the clubs and activities. In first year I was a competitive cheerleader as I had been doing that for a year or two before uni. I loved it, it was great getting to compete with such an amazing team! However, because I'm so bad at making friends and barely went out to the socials I wasn't as involved as I could have been, I definitely shot myself in the foot there! So don't hold back and get involved! There are so many societies I would have loved to give a go such as yoga, pole dancing, Harry Potter and Pokemon but I've just been too shy/scared to do it. I have nobody else but myself to blame for this! Oh well, I've learnt my lesson now and know to join in when the opportunity arises! Learn from my mistakes.

5. Get out of Town

Finally, Uni is the perfect excuse to move out and to experience what it's like to live in a different town/city! Don't miss out on this opportunity. With grants and student loans it's the one time where you'll be best funded to do it, especially those who are lucky enough to have their parents financial support as well. That being said, rent prices are generally pretty high for students and can take up your full student loan, but if you also decide to get a job you should be able to manage quite fine. Living on your own is a great experience and I have never looked back. You get the freedom you've always wanted and it gives you the independence you need. Again, living out is the perfect way to make friends! It gives you something in common with those at uni and can throw you in with a group of people if you do decide to reside in halls. Living on my own has been the best experience about uni in my eyes, and I'm pretty certain I'd find it troubling to have to move back in with my parents now (Sorry Mum and Dad, love you really!). So yeah, give it a go and move out! - although I may be preetty biased on this one, since I can remember I've constantly had it drilled into me that I should move out of the town I've grown up in, regardless of that though it has been fab. Get to play by your own rules!

And there we have it! My best advice for those going to uni, although I'm sure the majority of uni goers would probably have had it figured out I know I would have appreciated a little more advice along these lines when I was applying.

All in all, do what makes you happy. There will be ups and downs, and alternative routes should you wish to take them! All I know is my uni experience (if it has really been a proper uni experience) has been fab even though there are a few things I wish I could have changed!

I would love to hear any advice you all have for future students and of your university stories! Please leave some comments about it.

Pictures from weheartit.com

Here's to the first post of 2015! Hope you all had a fabulous Christmas and New Year. I got quite a few make-up products over the holidays which I just HAVE to post about.

The first lot of reviews are going to be about the Lime Crime products I have. Some I have had for months and a couple others I was given as a Christmas gift. Even before I ever placed my first order from Lime Crime I've been obsessed, I've followed their instagram for a while now and always longed to actually buy some. When I finally decide to purchase some of their lipsticks I found a UK seller really easily on their site under retailers, although from just checking the site it seems to have been updated to a significantly smaller list of retailers which are based only in the USA, Mexico and Brazil, I'm not 100% sure if this means the retailer I was using, which can be found here, will stop getting new orders and so will have to order elsewhere for new/currently sold out products or what. Hopefully that isn't the case because shipping fees and customs and taxes can add a hefty additional price tag to the order. Fingers crossed!

Before I jump into the review I'll give a little background on the company. The company was set up and is run by Doe Doree, now most definitely a style icon. She has made sure the make up is vegan and not tested on animals, which is always good to hear! The company is based in America, hence why you probably have never seen products in shops here in England (if that's where you're reading from, although there are only 2 Lime Crime stores in America!). There seems to be more lines coming soon, one of which being a face range which already has its place ready on the website. There has also been instagram posts from Doe Doree which suggest there is a hair dye range on it's way as well, Doe herself is usually found to be rocking an out of the box colour on her hair, it was blue and now bright orange (Girl after my own heart), which means there should be a large range of colours available if a hair dye is in the works. I know I sure as hell am hoping so!

Unicorn Lipstick

So lets start with the unicorn lipsticks I've had for months (sorry about how tatty the chinchilla one looks). To begin with I just love the names of some of the colours, definitely not your run of the mill! All lipsticks come in a small box, I have no photograph of this, then the tubes are inside. The outer packaging had a unicorn printed onto it, much like the same style as the tubes, along with some additional information such as ingredients. The tubes are pink with a unicorn, stars and it says 'Lime Crime'. One of my favourite things about these lipsticks is the smell of them, never in my life have I ever known a lipstick to smell so good! I honestly think its worth buying one just to experience that. Before even using the product you can see how much effort is put into the design process and final touches, something I always like to see.

Photographed above, from Left to Right- Airborne Unicorn, Mint to Be, Chinchilla.

I just love the colours that are available from Lime Crime as well, just a range you don't see from day to day. Naturally I wanted to buy some odd colours I hadn't used before. One of my favourite colours is Chinchilla, I like that it is a greyish colour with a hint of purple. Definitely not a colour I had come across before, one I liked to use a lot! The Airborne Unicorn has a nice purple colour to it as well and also gets regular use (on the days I'm not being a lazy so and so and actually make an effort with my life). I am yet to use the Mint to Be properly, I mainly purchased this colour because I thought it would look pretty cool for photoshoots and has the potential to really stand out.

Below I have done a swatch on my wrist of the lipstick colours, as you can clearly see they are well pigmented and really show their colours. I would definitely advise anybody who loves lipstick to invest! Not only do they have these out of the box colours but they also have many everyday colours, so there is something for everybody! If you don't wear lipstick that often they even have the perfect shade of nude (Coquette), I really need to get my hands on it!

Top to bottom - Chinchilla, Airborne Unicorn, Mint to Be.

Velvetine

Left to Right - Black Velvet, Red Velvet.

If you've ever wanted a genuinely kiss proof, drink proof, basically anything proof lipstick the Velvetine collection is the one for you. Goes on like a lipgloss, dries perfectly matte and doesn't budge until you take it off! Brilliant. I currently only have these lipsticks in black and red but they give such an even, good coverage. You can see a small swatch I did of them below. More and more colours keep being released as well, due to writing this review I've ended up ordering 3 more Velvetines in Salem, Wicked and Cashmere.. Ooops. They have such a fabulous range of perfect everyday and going out colours in this brand, they're awesome. Although there are no unicorns on the packaging for these, gutted, there are roses on the screw top lid which give it a really nice look, again you can see the attention to detail.

Don't they just make the perfect Harley Quinn combination?!

Eye Shadow Brightener

Finally, last but not least, the Lime Crime Eyeshadow Brightener. This is an eye shadow primer but goes on white, which is perfect to get the full, true colour out of your eye shadows! Many times I've put on a nude/slightly lighter than skin tone eye shadow on and barely even been able to notice, with this product it definitely gives you the 'blank canvas' they promise it offers. It has a really good consistency and it is clear it would work perfectly over normal or oily eyelids, which is perfect! They also offer an Eyeshadow Helper which is just like a normal primer but it is waterproof, so when you place your eye shadow on top it will not budge one bit! How fabulous, perfect if like me your eyes water like a mother** all the time. I haven't got the helper myself, but they have shown a video of eye shadow swatched on a hand with and without the helper and then held under a running tap, it's safe to say from seeing that video it most definitely worked. The only downside I had from my eye shadow brightener is that it seems only half full when you first use it, from use I've found that it only takes a small amount to cover an eyelid but it would have been nicer if it was filled to the brim! Now this may have just been a faulty product or this is just how much you get in every one, but either way it's only a small drawback.