Bryony Kirkham: May 2015

This is something very different to what I usually post, and will probably be the most personal thing I have ever posted online. Last week was Mental Health Awareness week, something I think is very important and I personally want to one day be able to set up a charity or organisation to be able to raise awareness for mental health issues. I have never posted or told anyone in depth my full experience with my personal problems, however I want to post it now so that if there is anybody out there who feels alone going through the same sort of thing they can know they are not alone and if they ever need somebody to talk to or want some advice or a pep talk I am available and happy to answer any emails (email can be found in the contact me tab). So here is my story,

Since I was around 12 I've experienced depression. Sometimes it will last weeks other times months on end and even longer, it's a horrible thing to fall into and is so difficult to get out of. I was always so sick of people saying 'why are you even sad, there's nothing to be sad about' or 'there are people worse off than you so stop moaning' and other things on those lines, comments like these from friends had no help at all and just made me feel even guiltier about feeling the way I did when I knew I had no reason to. Being at that age I chose to confide in friends and tried my best to hide it from my parents, I didn't want them to know how down I felt all the time, mainly because I didn't want to hurt them or for them to think it was because of them. I would spend so many nights just crying and I would just feel so numb and emotionally worn out from every day, it's just so draining. From this I ended up self harming. For me it was the perfect release. Now I DO NOT advise anybody to take up this method as a way to get better and out of depression, it is not worth it trust me. When it came to it I used a razor or scissors, I'd never go very deep I just wanted to be able to feel the pain and for it to scab over for a while so I'd have something to focus on rather than how I was feeling. I'd do it on my arms or around my knicker line/legs, once I did it I knew I had to always keep it hidden so my parents would never notice and find out so I'd just constantly focus on that all the time which made me forget about everything else. I'd always keep a tissue over it when I did it on my hips/panty line so I wouldn't get any blood or anything on my underwear which may have caused suspicion. Afterwards I'd always feel better because it was something different to focus on. It was just a perfect release from everything.

I was open about the fact I did it in school if anybody asked, I wasn't ashamed. I wanted to be open about it so if anybody felt similar or wanted to ask questions I could be of help. But eventually my parents found out, twice in fact. It was the most horrible experience ever. I just remember the school calling in my mum and seeing her crying and it genuinely broke my heart. That was exactly what I didn't want to happen, I didn't want my mum to know any of that because I didn't want it to hurt her. Following her finding out she asked questions but I was very hesitant to answer and kept as much quiet as possible, I remember afterwards I always had either my mum or dad popping into my room all the time for whatever reason but I knew they were coming in to just keep an eye on me really. My door never seemed to be shut any more, and I don't recall this being so much my choice either. However, they eased off after a while and it was never mentioned again, but that didn't mean it had stopped.

- on a side note, I did end up buying a book called Red Tears (By Joanna Kenrick). It was a fiction book about a girl who self harmed, it was a really good read and would advise it, my mum read it after me and she found it to be a great insight to what was going on with me.

I started all of that when I was 12, however I never completely stopped until I was 18 I just kept quiet and didn't tell anybody about it. Boyfriends I had generally knew because I'd tell them, I like to be honest about everything in relationships, but they'd always refer to it like 'don't do anything stupid' etc. I hated that. I hate when people referred to it as doing something stupid. I get that you shouldn't do it and it's a really sad thing to want to technically mutilate yourself but that wasn't supportive and again just made me feel as though I was the stupid one for it. It's only recently I've met someone who doesn't refer to it in a judgemental way and I am so grateful for that. The main reason I ended up stopping was because I had been trying to avoid doing it for a couple years (however failing) but once I turned 18 I was legally allowed to get a tattoo, which I did. I got a tattoo with flowers, a deathly hallows symbol, a broken mirror and a quote 'They'll shout from demons if they have to' (from suckerpunch) on my hip. I got it on my left hip purely for the reason that I used to self harm primarily on that side, I couldn't cut myself there if I had artwork there, I wasn't going to ruin it! I remember a few weeks before I had my tattoo I cut myself in that very area and I was shitting myself in case the tattoo artist would see it or if they wouldn't be able to do the tattoo because of it, but luckily it had completely healed way before the appointment. The tattoo itself was also very important to me, the broken mirror and flowers resembled that there is always beauty in the broken, you just have to look for it. I always felt so broken but I always tried to look for the best in each situation. The quote from Suckerpunch was a snippet of the full quote that I loved:

You can deny angels exist, Convince ourselves they can't be real. But they show up anyway, at strange places and at strange times. They can speak through any character we can imagine. They'll shout through demons if they have to. Daring us, challenging us to fight.

I loved that quote, I'm a firm believer that all the terrible situations that are thrown at us are there to make us stronger and better people, we just have to learn from them. Every time I look at my tattoo it makes me think of the journey I have come on and that I'm the person I am because of it.

Although it has been 3 years since I last self harmed it doesn't mean it has gone away. Every so often I can feel myself getting on a downer and I'll just not be able to do anything about it. From time to time I'll have random suicidal thoughts pop into my head or I'll just imagine myself committing suicide or something, these occur even when I'm happy. Now I'm not the sort of person who actively wants to kill myself or anything like that, it's just so strange when it pops into the back of my head. It's just like a flash, it'll be for a second. Sometimes it does really upset me though, because it's horrible that I get those thoughts for no reason. I don't know what I've done to deserve it! For the most part though I just ignore it, they go as quickly as they come so why should it phase me. When I get angry at myself or upset I still feel such strong urges to self harm, it's something I don't think will ever go away but I feel so blessed that I know how to handle myself now when I feel myself falling into depression or if I get these urges and what have you. I'm so lucky that I am able to take control as I know a lot of people don't have that and don't know how to deal with it all.

Looking back over the past 9 years I do wish I could have made some different decisions, I was offered counselling in school but refused it. I should have jumped at the opportunity, it could have made the journey so much easier. My advice would be to get counselling if you are going through this sort of thing, it is nothing to be ashamed of. I spoke to a lot of people who had/were self harming through school and there was always support to stop from one another even if you had only spoke to them on MSN a couple of times (God that makes me feel so old haha), so if you are going through this you are not alone. There are plenty of people out there going through the same thing or who have been through it.

I currently get anxiety out of nowhere and still get depressed every so often but I like to deal with it myself, that's just the way I am, but I would advise anybody else to seek help or to at least confide in somebody. I am absolutely blessed that my boyfriend is so amazing when I go through spells of extreme anxiety or start to get depressed etc., he just knows how to deal with me and is so supportive. I am ridiculously grateful for this every day. However, I still go through spells where I just feel as though I'm just a broken, messed up person but you just have to take everything a day at a time!

I just want to raise awareness about this issue and to offer help to anyone who needs it. You are not alone, there will always be people who want to help and have been through the same thing. Never be afraid to seek help.

A few helplines that may be of use:

Samaritans - Call on 08457 90 90 90 or if you don't want to talk via the phone you can email them at jo@samaritans.org (I'm so glad they have an email service, I always wanted to be able to talk with someone when I was going through all of that but did not want to use a phone service)

PAPYRUS - Call on 0800 068 41 41. They are a voluntary group supporting teenagers and young adults who feel suicidal

Self Injury Support (Formerly Bristol Crisis Service for Women) - Call 0808 800 8088 (Tues & Weds 7-10 pm, Thurs 3-6 pm). This service is for women.

TESS (associated with Self Injury Support) - Text and Email Support Service for women under 24, text on 0780 047 2908 (Sun, Mon, Tues, Thurs & Fri, 7pm-9pm) or click here to email them.

I am also happy to accept emails if it means you have somebody to talk to and I will reply ASAP. My email can be found in the 'contact me' section above.

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